Look, we get it. We would’t want to read a website about flavored English muffins, either.
You think we wanted it to be this way? You think we woke up one morning, and thought, “Man, you know what the world is missing? You know what mark we can make upon the grand, sprawling scale of the world wide web? We can write hard-hitting, breathless coverage of the nuances of nook-and-crannie breakfast pastries.” You think our parents are proud of us? You think this is the kind of notable work we want etched into our beggars’ tombstones?
Of course it’s not.
But godamnit, Thomas’, you’re backing us into a real corner here. It seem that every week, there’s a new, “limited time only” iteration of your venerable shelf-stable English muffins. Your Blueberry. Your Cinnamon Raisin. Your Bacon Buttermilk Pancake, for crying out loud. Now this: S’mores flavored motherfucking English muffins. And as long as you keep trying in vain to improve upon your already nearly perfect product, we’re going to be here, camera in one hand, dainty bone-handled butter knife in the other, ready to evaluate your latest misstep.
Look, we know how it is. The marketing department wangs have been watching, as big-time players like Taco Bell scoop up the lion’s share of Instagram hearts with their latest remixed fried chicken-shell chalupa or whatever. You see the fervor that gets generated when some drive-thru place piles boneless baby back ribs on top of a burger, or some a-hole puts cereal in a milkshake, and you want to drum up some of that sweet internet buzz, too. We get it.
But Thomas’, baby, let’s be reasonable.
You already dominate the English muffin landscape. There are virtually no competition for your slice of market share, in the highly competitive “lazy person’s breakfast” space. Who’s touching you guys? Those clowns over at Bay’s, with their refrigerated English muffins? Pfffffff. Ain’t nobody got fridge space for that, son. Oh, and Wolfermann’s? Those mail-order catalog jags, with their gigantic muffins that you have to plan to eat ten days before you actually want them, so that there’s time for them to get shipped to your door? Please.
Know why you’ve managed to climb to the top of the relentlessly cutthroat English muffin marketplace? It’s not with gimmicky flavors. It’s by keeping your eye on the FUNDAMENTALS. Your nooks. Your crannies. Each peak and valley perfect, each in their way, but not show-offy or braggy. That crunchy, textured exterior, that soft, warm, pillowy middle? That fine dusting of corneal on the bottom, that never burns, even when we forget and leave it in the toaster too long? The way that peanut butter liquefies on contact, dripping in rivulets into the crackly crannies that dot your surface? THOSE are the things that made your muffins a star player, player. When we want flavored English muffins, we slather stuff on top. We don’t need or want those flavors baked in to the muffin itself.
At any rate, it seems like we’ve gotta do this. So here it is: Thomas’ new limited-edition “S’mores” flavored English muffins are fine. They smell good. There are bits of brown and bits of white. Those bits taste like candy; chocolate and marshmallow, respectively. They may not be actually made of either. S’mores English Muffins are good with butter, but better with peanut butter. They won’t be around for long. Get some if you like S’mores. Or if you have three dollars. Or even if you don’t. Or do whatever you want.