In a dynamic, bold move befitting a company on the fast-track to fame and fortune, Burger King has announced the launch of the third variant of its new Crispy Chicken Sandwich. And you had better swivel your fanny packs around to the front and hold onto your motherf*cking hats, because you’re not going to believe the name that Burger King chose for this brilliant culinary fusion of abstract art and practical science: The Bacon Cheddar Ranch Crispy Chicken Sandwich. From the website:
“Our Bacon Cheddar Ranch Crispy Chicken Sandwich is made with 100% white meat chicken filet, seasoned and breaded and topped with thick-cut smoked bacon, cheddar cheese, our creamy bacon ranch sauce, fresh lettuce, and a ripe tomato on a potato bun.”
The first new Crispy Chicken Sandwich made its debut on Burger King menus on March 2, 2017, boasting a reformulated chicken filet that still feels like it’s trying to play catchup with the likes of Wendy’s and Chick-fil-a.
All we can say is: Stop trying to make Burger King happen, Burger King.
This is not the kind of new menu announcement that is going to put Burger King back on the map, in the fast food landscape we currently inhabit, where burgers get nine strips of bacon or entire racks of boneless baby back ribs laid spread-eagle across the top.
Instead, this non-annoucement “announcement” serves only to remind us that Burger King, as a company, is sinking ever-deeper into a spiral of shame and self-pity that began the day they halted dining room table service, took away the salt and pepper shakers, and added a third restroom meant strictly for the use of bleary-eyed junkies looking for a reasonably clean, mostly safe place to tie off a vein.
Adding ranch dressing to a fried chicken sandwich doesn’t signal innovation in the Burger King test kitchen. Unless, of course, all new menu development has been handed off to a seven year old that just learned how to use the microwave.
Instead, new menu items like these feel like a desperate attempt to bring only the items with the broadest appeal, for the least amount of money to the menu. And that isn’t something you build announcements around; that’s something you do quietly and secretly while you hope that no one notices that your entire business feels less like “The King of Burgers” and more like the final dinner special at the abandoned restaurant that adjoins the lobby of the Best Western, with bars on the ground floor windows and scenic views of the gravel pit.
No, not that one. The one at the other end of town.